Wish Carefully

I've tried to be more trusting lately, of myself that is.  As long as I can remember, I've glossed over gut feelings that seemed to be revealing another's less than stellar intentions.  To maintain my sanity, I've dealt with those feelings either as a consequence of my own dysfunctional insecurities or as paranoia.  But usually, I'm right in the end and the end is sometimes disastrous. 

Yesterday I was much more lucid than usual and since for the past two weeks I'd been anticipating a particular reaction from a certain acquaintance, when eventually presented with the situation I didn't stop to think about the consequences, just the fact that I'd acknowledged my instincts (finally!) and that what I'd predicted was actually happening.  I felt superhero strong as I eliminated all manner of pretense from my knee-jerk reaction.  I felt victorious as all the right words found their way to the forefront.  Not once did I stutter - like I usually do - or struggle to find the words to express the precise emotion or to provoke the exact response I needed to be sure my vehemence was properly felt.

Was it really my paranoia at work here - masquerading as instinct?

So why do I feel so uncertain today?  Actually, I am keenly aware of the moment the doubt entered my sphere.  As luck would have it, my husband arrived home early.  I was spilling over with the news of my triumph.  He however, did not see conquest in my behavior.  Surely a Buddhist at heart, his expectations of me were far more honorable than my conduct had been.  I tried to show him that mine wasn't the inappropriate behavior but that of the Bible wielding, pastor quoting Christian's.  Nope.  "Sometimes you just have to let things go," he said.  "Just know what you know and let people be".  I was crushed.

But why do I feel uncertainty and not outright shame?  It's my gut.  I endeavored so long to connect with it's rhythm I knew something wasn't right.  Maybe I should've 'let it go' but I felt as if I owed my gut some form of gratitude for noticing what I couldn't.  Or did I call to me that which I'd anticipated?  Was it really my paranoia at work here - masquerading as instinct?  I decided my feeling was real - having had a similar interaction with another acquaintance who did not invoke such confusion.

However, perhaps my husband was right simply because I may have severed a friendship that might have served well in other ways.  I've known this person for over seven years and though we have never shared a close relationship there has never been even a hint of disrespect.  She was clearly surprised at my reaction - and told me so - while I felt finally liberated from my private pondering already a reality in my inner world.

Was it worth it?  If my current feelings should form the basis of my opinion then no.  Expecting perfection from others is unreasonable especially considering our own shortcomings.  No one is perfect.  Maybe,  rather than pondering and anticipating negativity, the more upright alternative would've been to remove myself to a situation where both my gut and my mind could coexist peacefully.  What I needed was a higher degree of self-control because ultimately the only behavior I can change is my own.  Life lesson number...I stopped counting...